The purpose of this website is to provide a simple but powerful set of free tools to help you feel better, now.

After learning these tools, you have them for life - and they can be used whenever you need them.

Step Two.

What are you resisting, and how are you benefiting?

Sometimes we keep ourselves stuck (subconsciously) in a negative emotional state or situation because there is actually some benefit we are getting out of it. Initially when hearing this, you may not want to accept this. It is natural to want to blame someone or something outside of yourself - but by doing this, you are taking away your own control over it.

It’s time to take a good hard look at yourself. Sometimes we are our own biggest barrier. Maybe it seems too painful to move in a different direction. Maybe you feel like “accepting help” from someone else would be giving up your own power - or maybe you feel it’s unsafe to trust anyone else to help you in the first place. You may be doing all the “right things” - going to therapy, taking your meds, utilizing your skills and boundaries, but if you still don’t feel better, then you may be the one resisting change. Don’t beat yourself up over this, but again, decide to take full responsibility over it.

Usually when we are resisting recovery, it’s because we feel incapable of managing what is about to come next. Naturally, the unknown feels scary - to all of us. We don’t know if we are strong enough to make it through, so we decide to stay right here, where it’s “safe”. In other words, your own resistance is functioning as a protector role. However, sometimes stagnant is not safe. Quite the opposite, actually. Stagnant can be damaging - the damage may just happen a little slower. Just because our actions are functioning as protectors, doesn’t mean they are healthy or productive.

So now that we know how everybody uses resistance at some point as a safety shield, it’s time to figure out how you’re using it yourself. The truth is, it can be very difficult to recognize resistance when you’re not looking for it - because your brain views resistance as protection. So here are a few common traits of resisting, to see where you may be doing it yourself.

1. You constantly cancel, reschedule, or don’t show up at all.

Sometimes things come up, and life happens. But if you find yourself missing appointments, sessions or meetings on a regular basis - whether it means rescheduling or simply not showing up, this is a sign of avoidance.

2. You ignore other people’s suggestions or advice.

Every time your therapist, friend or anyone else tries to give you advice, you always seem to have a reason why it won’t work - or you’ve “already tried it”. Maybe you do pretend to listen, and say you’ll try it, but then never do.

3. You say “I don’t know” a lot, without follow-up.

If you constantly find yourself saying “I don’t know” to questions, and don’t take the time to formulate a real response, you are likely resisting something that you do in fact know, deep down.

4. You start things, but leave them incomplete.

Maybe it’s projects, books, or conversations. Do you have a stack of books on your desk that were only read half-way through, and then given up on? Do you have projects you’ve started but then forgot about?

5. You easily leap to anger and defensiveness.

You may find yourself getting angry or defensive when someone tries to offer advice or suggestions. Often, anger is a front for a more “uncomfortable” emotion. Are you really angry - or are you feeling shame, fear or disappointment? When you are defensive, you are not letting your guard down. You are not being vulnerable.

6. You ignore or belittle the progress you are making.

Any progress you’ve made either “wasn’t enough”, was the result of luck, or has created another problem entirely. The avoidance of admitting progress indicates a fear of completing the process. This goes back to the fear of the unknown. Maybe you don’t want to “get better” because then you “won’t have support from your therapist” or something to “fall back on” when hard times start to come up again. The truth is, you will always have support when you need it.

7. Your problems are centered around blame.

Whether it’s in therapy or simply talking to a friend about your problems, you tend to focus on someone else (or multiple people) as the source of the problem - which takes your power away and makes you appear helpless.

8. Laughing or joking about your problems.

While humor can be a necessary tool and outlet for negative emotions, it can be a sign that you are avoiding truly feeling what you are feeling and going deeper. Pushing away emotions is not the same as regulating them.

9. Changing the subject.

If you find yourself changing the subject every time someone either tries to talk to you about your problems, or gives you advice, you are attempting to distract them from something you don’t want to get into. What are you avoiding?

10. You are not making any real changes.

You may be reading books, going to therapy, etc… but if you are not really applying what you have learned, or creating real changes in your life - you are choosing to stay stuck in the current emotional state or situation you are in.

How many of these can you check off?

1-3: You are aware of what you need to change, but are only somewhat resistant to changing it.

4-6: You know something needs to change, but you are very resistant to changing it. You need an extra push.

7-10: You need something to change, but you are extremely resistant to changing it. You are avoiding responsibility.

Even if you find that you are being resistant to change, don’t be too hard on yourself. By simply realizing this and acknowledging it, this is the first step to changing it. Now that you can see where you have resistance, you can change it.